Hey, human. Not to be creepy or anything, but I’ve been watching you intently for the last hour as you get ready for your big Valentine’s Day date. Yes, perched royally upon this couch, I’ve been watching you fuss over yourself, primping and preening, and you can cut it out. Why? Because you look great.
Since it’s been awhile since you’ve been out on a date-date, I think what you need is some good old fashioned advice, dating tips, if you will. I know I have limited romantic experience because you got me fixed when I was a kitten, but cats are wise. We know a thing or two. If you want this first date to turn into a second date, you need to listen to me right meow. Let me tell you how to land this guy and make him crazy about you in the process. Are you ready?
Give Him a Heartfelt Gift
I know you have impeccable taste in choosing gifts. Every time you come home with a bag of treats or a new catnip mouse for me, I always marvel at your ability to figure out exactly what I wanted. But you know what? The best gifts come from the heart.
Or, you know, the patio.
No, don’t waste your money on a fancy collar for him. He’ll just pull it off when you’re not looking, anyway. Instead, show off your hunting prowess by getting out there and catching him one of those scrumptious lizards from the backyard.
Listen, it’s easy. I do it all the time, so I know you can do it, too. The secret to a successful hunt? You gotta be smarter than the lizard. Can you handle that? Sure you can. I believe in you.
You’ll start by securing yourself a good hiding spot. I personally like the hydrangea bush behind the birdbath, myself. (Also, bonus tip? That’s prime real estate for birdwatching, too, just FYI.)
Then when you spy your lizard, freeze. Dilate your pupils real big. Raise your butt into the air. Give it a little bit of a wiggle…then charge! That foolish lizard won’t know what hit ‘im.
Then, for good measure, bite off its head. Nobody likes that part, anyway. You can save it for me, if you want. I’ll, uh, dispose of it for you. Then when your human male is asleep, drop it on his front doorstep.
He’ll find it when he wakes up. And he’ll do that little chirrup of happiness when he sees it, and he’ll think, “That girl right there? She’s a keeper. She even bit the head off this dead lizard for me. I love her.”
See? Easy peasy.
Show Him Your Playful Side
A good relationship isn’t just based on mutual attraction and respect. It’s so much more than that. You have to actually want to spend time together and genuinely enjoy one another’s company.
That’s why it’s so important to show him your playful side early on. Not sure how to start? You really can’t go wrong by introducing the feather-on-a-stick to him. Just make sure you take turns with it. Sometimes you’ll wave the stick and he’ll get the feather, and other times you’ll be the huntress.
Oh, and you know the surest way to win over a man’s heart? Wait until you’re both settled down on the couch, then ask him for a glass of water. Bat those big eyes at him, and when he returns with the glass, have him set it on the coffee table.
That’s when you’ll crack out the big guns. Make sure he’s watching. Lean over. Reach for the glass. Make eye contact and – very slowly and deliberately – knock the glass on the floor. Bonus points if it breaks.
If it doesn’t get the reaction you want, walk to the kitchen and start yelling at your empty dinner plate. Then knock that on the floor, too. Watch closely as he cleans it up. Then circle around his feet, running your chin along his pants leg.
These are all my dating tips! Are you even writing this down?
Unwind with a Bath
You humans are so funny when it comes to bath time. You like to fill up that big basin in the back of the house with water, then for some unfathomable reason, you fully immerse yourself in it. **Shudder** No thank you.
When I say that it’s bath time, what I mean is that it’s time for a mutual bath. With your male human. Personally, it’s one of my favorite nighttime (also daytime, and even afternoon, too) rituals. The feeling of my rough tongue working its way through all the knots in my fur? Oh, it’s the definition of sheer bliss.
If you don’t want to be too forward, you can start by licking his face and hair. When you get to his ears, spend a moment to nibble on them, chewing on those itchy spots right behind them. If they go flat, though, stop what you’re doing immediately. It means he doesn’t like that.
Once you’re done bathing him, then it’s his turn to groom you. If you like what he’s doing, let him hear you purr. You can also flex your hands on his stomach, too. That’ll tell him that he’s doing a good job and should continue.
Lemme tell you, though. It feels uh-mazing. Just like a massage, in fact. If you take the time to give him a bath, I guarantee he’ll be your loyal companion for life.
Don’t Be Too Easy
You know when you try to pick me up, but then I do that duck-and-scoot thing? That’s my way of telling you that I’m not in the mood for cuddles.
Here’s the thing. Sometimes it’s perfectly fine to want your alone time. If you’ve woken up on the wrong side of the cat tree this morning, then that’s a-okay. If your human male shows up and starts demanding your attention, you don’t have to indulge him. In fact, by ignoring him, you can show him that you’re respecting his personal space and he should also respect yours.
If he knocks on the door? Don’t answer it. He’s got a key, so he can figure it out. Same thing if he starts howling to be let outside. He can take care of his business on his own. You don’t always have to be at his beck and call.
In fact, by ignoring him occasionally, you can teach him healthy boundaries early on. That way you both have your own space without stepping all over each other’s tails. Win-win.
Man vs. Cat: The Final Showdown
If you heed these sage dating tips, this guy will definitely fall in love with you. Hopefully he has a few things going for him and you happen to like him too. I know my species is known to be um, catty, but you deserve love from another human, even though you have me. Plus, I know he can’t really compete; I set the bar pretty high when it comes to cuddle-worthy companions.
However, if one dates does turn into two — and then three or four, I’m not going to make it easy on him — even if he shows up here with a can of tuna in his pocket! Remember, I’m a cat, not a dog. Dogs are man’s best friend, cats are going to withhold our affection until we know the recipient is deserving of it. After all, we’re exceptional judges of character. I mean, I chose you, didn’t I?
Okay, okay, it’s time for you to go. Yes, I love you too. Remember to have a great time and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do! 😉