The Cat Lady’s Guide to Landing a Man in Seven Easy Steps
1) Do not ever, ever tell a guy how many cats you actually have. Ever. Never. (If you’ve lost count, this step is easy!)
2) Hide all of the pictures and paintings of cats, cat figurines, cat throw pillows, quilted vests featuring cat appliqués, knitted cat tea cozies made to look like cats, your “I <3 cats” doormat. Replace the “meow” ringtone on your cell phone, and don’t forget to remove your “I brake for cats!” bumper sticker. This step may take awhile, so allot plenty of time.
3) Find out if your date is allergic to cats. Wear a sweater covered with cat hair (you can also test the waters with these cat sweaters) when you see your man. You may want to have some antihistamines on hand. If he doesn’t sneeze, file that information away to bring up later when he discovers how many cats you actually have and falsely claims to be allergic!
4) If possible, adopt only black cats of approximately the same size, and insist that you have only one. Hang lots of mirrors around the house, so you have an explanation if he claims he sees more.
5) Insist that your cat is actually a dog. If he asks what breed, just say “terrier mix”. It would really help your case if your cat would not meow or throw up a hairball while you’re having this conversation.
6) Over dinner, look your man straight in the eye and say “How would you feel if I told you I had 42 cats?” He will likely turn pale and his eyes may widen. Hold a steady gaze. Wait until a bead of sweat forms on his forehead, and then smile and say “Don’t worry—I don’t have 42 cats! I just have four….teen.” Then change the subject.
7) Eventually, this process will get tiring. You’ll miss your “Cats are like potato chips—you can’t have just one!” refrigerator magnet, or find that having to bottle feed kittens in the spring time leaves you too tired to date. Give up on finding a man, and go adopt a cat instead!